21 September 2004

Ack!!! I have a problem: I am the oldest and I think like it which in turn means I act like it. Now this is ordinarily not a problem, but when my friends start acting foolish, it starts coming out. The urge to take them in hand and make them take care of their homework on time, or clean their room, or do whatever it is they are currently be moaning the lack of ability to do, is nearly irresistible. And so, in order not to come off as a bossy little so-and-so, I become rather insensitive and seemingly uncaring. This does not help them or me. And so I sit, while they complain about not finishing the work before class, and how much they want to take a break from class work, or how miserable they are because this person is avoiding them or won't talk to them, or... the list goes on and on. I don't know how to give advice in such a way as to not come off as telling them how to run their lives. The art of suggestion has yet alluded my grasp. Thus, I continue to watch them be unhappy and listen to them ask me what to do to make things right, all without the ability to make things better.
There, my big sister/mother needs/instincts have been taken care of, at least for the time being. I can go back to being insensitive and handing out flippant advice. Hurrah for instant publishing!
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2 comments:

Kitty said...

I know very well what you mean. The mother in me sometimes comes out at the worst possible moments. And it's hard to not sound bossy. I guess the best way to make a suggestion is to put it back on yourself. Like, "I used to do this or that and I was always miserable, but I found that if I did it this way, I got everything done and I was happier." Say something like "I used to really procrastinate on my class work and I was always late turning things in or unprepared for class. But I started a routine and it seemed to help. I got a cup of my favorite coffee, soda, etc., went for a short walk around campus to relax and then went back and started my work. I read or wrote for about 30 minutes, then took a short break and wrote a letter, email or read some poetry or a chapter of a fun book. Got a refill of my drink, maybe a snack and then I started back with the class work and etc", or whatever you do to motivate yourself. You can also do it with them; get your cup of java and go for a walk with them, then come back and work together or at least in the same room. For friend problems, listening is a lot of times all they want and then if you've experienced something similar, you could gently say that when "I've had that happen, I did so and so". Cleaning rooms is hard anytime. I hate it and my kids hate it. Sometimes when I know my kids need to clean but don't want to be stuck in their room by themselves, I'll volunteer to do part of the room and we talk about funny things. Or we'll turn on some really fun music and sing and dance while we clean. I can't tell you how many hairbrushes, hangers, brooms and such that I've sang and danced with. And occasionally we'll find something underneath all the junk that brings back a fond memory and we take a break and reminisce about that memory. It's not easy being the oldest, the mother, or whatever role someone sees you in, but most people really do appreciate help and advice. Learning to read them, their body language, etc. will tell you if they really are wanting your help or if they are just in a foul mood and need to rant. If all they need is to rant, just listen and when they're thru, give them a hug and tell them that you'll always be there for them when they need you.
You are a good person to even care about other people. There are so many people who don't care about anyone but themselves. Remember your friend who kidnapped you and took you for a quick trip to town. She knew you needed a break and you felt better when you got back. That's the kind of friend that everyone needs and I think you can be that friend to somebody out there.
Sorry about the long post, I go off on tangents sometimes. God bless you and have a great week. Kitty:)

2:27 PM
LiLosSoljr said...

Thank you so much, I needed that. It's rather nice to come back and see some feed back on one's rants. I'm glad you've joined our little "community."

5:33 PM

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